One Year

It has been a long year. Today it feels like a very short year. I'm referring to the one year anniversary of losing my brother. My big brother. There have been moments I honestly didn't think I would remember how to smile and enjoy my life and the wonderful family and friends that I have been fortunate to have around me. I am quite positive there have been moments that those same family and friends have questioned if they would ever enjoy a minute around me. Yet, here I am and they are still here. Saying it has been a roller coaster of emotion is possibly the understatement of the year. I still, even in this moment I am writing, can't think about Dewayne being gone without choking up but thankfully I have managed to smile and even laugh over the memories I have of him. That is the best part of all of this. I have so many wonderful memories. Many of those memories are more recent but I tend to think of our childhood more than anything. We were not 'dirt poor' growing up (even though I probably thought so at the time) but we were 'financially challenged'. Despite this, we never stayed idle for very long. Our life was filled with family and church activities that brought us all closer. The thing that stands out in my memory more than anything is that no matter how much Dewayne and I might have fought as brother and sister while growing up, he never failed to be my big brother in every sense of the term. He fought off the bully in elementary school that tortured me and looked after me and worried over me. He introduced me to his 'rock and roll' music and the books he loved. He used to love the Alfred Hitchcock series that was written for kids, 'The Three Investigators' and read those books to me. I read them again as I grew older and still love them. I laugh when I think about Dewayne's romantic adventures. Goodness, he loved girls and they usually loved him right back. One of my very favorite memories with him was when we (Dewayne, me, Anne and Mike) all sang together in church. Almost every weekend, we traveled to a nearby church somewhere to play another singing and we always got back for church on Sunday morning at Papaw's church. Dewayne was our lead singer and was wonderful. I miss hearing him sing. Thankfully, he recorded at least one CD so we can all still hear him but I do miss those live sessions. I miss talking to him more than anything. We had the most comfortable talks. Any subject we found to discuss was easy. I miss the way he loved my kids. The way he would come in, smile with that one eyebrow raised and give you the best hug. I miss those stories he would tell describing something he had seen on a recent trip on the road, playing golf or singing or running into an old friend. I really miss how much he loved me. I miss that most of all. I know he is in Heaven now and he is not in pain so for that I am thankful. Selfishly though....I wish he were here. I love you Dewayne!